Who's In This Mysterious Black Sarcophagus That We Should Definitely Open? 

Fresh from the sands of Egypt emerges an enormous black sarcophagus, contents unknown. Okay, who wants to pop the hood? Knock, knock!

This important news from the aptly named Science Alert:

The story reveals:

Archaeological digs around ancient Egyptian sites still have plenty of secrets to give up yet – like the huge, black granite sarcophagus just discovered at an excavation in the city of Alexandria, on the northern coast of Egypt.

What really stands out about the solemn-looking coffin is its size. At 185 cm (72.8 inches) tall, 265 cm (104.3 inches) long, and 165 cm (65 inches) wide, it’s the biggest ever found in Alexandria.

So, who’s in the big-ass sarcophagus?

Is it Satan himself, or perhaps just some accursed demon straight out of a z-list horror film?

Whatever it is that’s keeping Paul Rudd eternally young?

Cameron Diaz?

D.B. Cooper?

Hillary Farr and David Vinsentin, the rapscallion hosts of Love It or List It?

Our nation’s collective dignity?

Hope?

Your debit card, right after you finally ordered a replacement?

The dignity of the office of the president?

Is it the man of your dreams?

Whoever’s in there, open it up! Let’s end this thing!!!!