Photo via Matthews Auctioneers.

Of course you are, who isn’t?

The Irish Times reports (h/t Fern Riddell) that Matthews Auctioneers of Oldcastle, County Meath, is hosting a two-day auction next weekend, and one of the lots is this stunner of a dildo. Or rather, as it is described in the catalog, this “Antique Carved Ivory Ladies Companion in Scarlet Lined Leather Upholstered Carry Box with Inset Bevelled Glass Panel.” But it’s obviously a fancy dildo.

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“This was a very enlightened family, and this would have been a very loving gift from a husband to wife,” explained auctioneer Damien Matthews. “You can see that because the level of detail is incredible, down to the folds of the skin. There’s a heart carved at the base of it, where her finger would have been, and a receptacle in which she could keep a lock of his hair.” No mere Adam and Eve clearance-bin novelty, here; we’re talking a real top-of-the-line erotic investment.

This particular “ladies companion” has quite a history, if Matthews’ conjecture is to be believed:

“A family member found it in a drawer, and he put it in the auction for fun really. We believe the ivory dates back to the 1840s. This fellow, the original owner, was in India in the 1840s, where he shot himself an elephant, and brought the tusk home.”

Matthews believes the piece was later carved in China between 1899 and 1901, where the man went to fight in the Boxer Uprising, a violent anti-foreign and anti-Christian uprising. The level of detail in the lifelike carving is “incredible”.

“The Chinese were famous for carving ivory, and the quality of carving is so good, I think that is where he would have had to have had it done. He would not have known that he was coming home, and would have wanted his wife to have this.”

Very thoughtful.

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Matthews told the Irish Times that the piece is “a great rarity” and would have been a true luxury item. It’s priced at €500 to €800, which truly seems like a steal for the discriminating collector of erotica.