As a sort of advent calendar of kitsch, Pictorial will be counting down the final twelve days before Christmas by featuring some holiday presents of days gone by.

You’ve never seen so much dull orange and aggressive red in your life as this 1977 spread from Ladies’ Home Journal, in which Mattel Preschool touts its holiday offerings. It is stupid cute.

Please note the rotary-dial “My Very Own Phone.” Really struggling to believe that girl’s blue hair ribbons would stay the course on Christmas morning, of all times. And just wait until she gets her baby sister stuck in that stroller. Not that any Jezebel staffers ever got in trouble for doing just that...

Got no interest in that terrifying “Jack-in-the-Music-Box,” but those See N’ Say toys sure were fun. For kids, anyway; presumably they’ve driven many parents to the brink of despair.

Another phone, a typewriter, a grocery cart and—of all things—a toy golfing kit. Kids, you’ll be stuck playing golf with your boss soon enough, okay? Don’t rush it!

That clock is sick as hell, though.


Contact the author at kelly@jezebel.com.